Saving Grace

A friend and colleague of Tracy's sent me a nice card that said the following: "Tracy was so happy with you and your boys. I remember how he could not stop smiling when he was about to drive south to see you. How elated he was at the prospect of you moving to Ithaca. You two should have had many more years together. Everyone could see that you were his love, his life, his strength, his saving grace, his hero. You gave him a reason to continue his battle as long as he could, you gave him hope, you gave him the desire to breathe. Your love sustained him as long as humanly possible."

I guess because most people knew of Tracy's problems, his health, etc that I was viewed as some sort of saving grace to him. My dad had cancer when I was a little girl so I grew up with cancer. It never was all that scary because my dad was fine. Especially when Tracy said he had non hodgkins lymphoma...well my dad had hodgkins lymphoma so I just assumed he would be okay. It did not occur to me that I would have the word cancer decide love.

When Tracy and I first 're-met' online I was contemplating divorce with Paul. Actually I had contemplated it for a long time. I was going to ask him for a divorce right before I got pregnant with William and I looked at William being a sign from God that I should stay. As it turned out, William was a gift from God, but not a sign from God.

Tracy was also having problems with his marriage and he and I would give each other tips on how to improve things from the male or female point of view. I would tell him things that I thought would help with Rita from a woman's point of view and he would do the same for me. We were very good friends for a long time and I never in my wildest imagination thought it would go anywhere beyond talking about each other's marriage on the internet. Eventually I told him that Paul was a big drinker and not a fun drinker at that. Paul was abusive mainly mentally but sometimes physically as well.

It was because of Tracy that I got a divorce. Not because I thought I would be with Tracy, but because Tracy believed and convinced me that I was not the person that Paul thought I was. For years, Paul told me over and over how worthless I was, that he drank because of me, that no one else would ever want me because I was flawed. After hearing it daily for so long, one begins to believe it. Tracy said I made him a better person. Tracy said any man would be lucky to have me. Tracy made me believe that I was strong enough to do what I had to do to save myself.

Tracy is the hero, my saving grace. But he had it all wrong on how strong I am :(.