People keep saying I have to take care of myself, that Tracy would have wanted that. I know that Tracy would not want me sick, but I think he would want to be with me. Why does anyone think that they might know better than me what Tracy may or may not have wanted.

Then 'they' say God ended his suffering and I should be thankful. I am thankful. But that also means that God started my suffering. Not so thankful for that.

I think one can die of a broken heart. If you don't think that, then you have never lost a spouse. If the person that you lived for, the person that completed you, the person that loved you despite knowing everything about you, the person that made you feel alive dies, what makes people think it's a good thing for you to go on living.

I am also told I have so much of my life ahead of me. I have none of my life ahead of me. My life as I knew it, is gone forever. It feels like pure punishment for a sin that I can not understand. What could I have ever done that was so bad to deserve to feel completely loved, to have my 'happy ending' and then have that ripped away. It feels like I knew that happiness and love could exist for a moment in time, but the pain will last for eternity.

I have heard from other widows that in a year the pain will not be so unbearable. In two years, you won't cry every day or better yet, the second year is harder than the first. I hear that the ratio of good to bad days gets better. Someone four years out says the hole in your heart never heals completely. All of this is supposed to be a comfort. So that is what I have in my future a better ratio of good and bad days. I have yet to hear a widow say that you will feel love again, you will be happy again. Just it won't hurt quite the same way. I hear the 'seasoned widows' as they are apparently called have learned to cope with the pain and the loneliness.

So I have to keep going so I can feel emptiness and loneliness that stretches on and on and on.