Grief is...

Grief is saying screw you for leaving me. - Author unknown.

Yes Tracy, Screw you. You promised me. You promised that you would not give up until I had given up. Well, guess what I still had hope. I had hope that the Cleveland Clinic could give some answers. It was only one week away. ONE WEEK. So screw you.

Thanks for leaving me so much to deal with. The mortgage. We had talked about that and how hard it would be for me to get a mortgage on my own, because I do not have a job. I did not have a job because I was taking care of you. I have to go in tomorrow to try and get the mortgage with the silly I don't have a job thing over my head. To convince them that yes although I am an unemployed crying middle aged mess I deserve a mortgage. I probably can not even write my name through the tears but yet I have to convince them I am responsible enough to handle a 100k loan. I do not to this day understand why Rita did not want me on the mortgage and why you cared so much that she said I should not be on it. The entire estate could have been handled better had she had not had so much involvement in the beginning of our marriage. Tomorrow my day is filled with bankers and lawyers. So thanks a lot.

The front porch is rotting. We talked about that. Yes I know that Rita met her boyfriend that ultimately destroyed your marriage with her and your sense of self worth when you hired him to fix the porch at the house you shared with Rita...well guess what...I am not Rita. I just wanted the fucking porch fixed. I did not want anyone to fall through it. That was it. I LOVE YOU. I WANT YOU. Brad Pitt could have repaired the porch, and I still would have loved and wanted you. The porch was not the reason that Rita had the affair. So thanks a lot for leaving me to deal with that. I do not have the energy to make the phone calls to wait for the repair men to never show and then to trust that I am not being taken advantage of.

Lastly, but most important of all, I need help with Josh. You said you wanted to help. You were better at handling him than I am. He needs help and I can not do this alone. He is falling apart. I have fallen apart. I can not do one part of this, so certainly I can not do all of this.

I do not want to be alone again.

You promised me. Screw you.