Last Post also known as really finished

I just read a book called the Other Side of Sadness. One point that it made was this:

People who endeavor to move on and be happy – usually because they feel the deceased would have wanted that – have better lives and outcomes than those who succumb to the idea that grief is a process that must be worked through.

I feel guilty when I am happy even though "Be happy" were the last words in the letter that Tracy wrote to me. I feel guilty when I am sad because that is against the last words in the letter that Tracy wrote to me. It is time to move on. That does not mean I did not love my husband. I did and will continue to love him.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a happy fulfilling life and I am the only one who can give that to me.

Thank you to my dad for suggesting I do this. Thank you to my Texas and Georgia family who faithfully read what I write and email me with letters and thoughts of hope. Thank you to my friends who have stood by me and have not once faltered on whether to continue to be my friend through these past years that only be described as torture to both Tracy and myself. Thanks for putting up with my ups and downs (yes mostly downs). I hope I can be as good of friend back.

Most of all thank you to my most precious children whom without I would not have made it this far. You have put up with a lot, tolerated a lot and your support is felt deeply and appreciated more than you will ever know.

Finished

A good friend said that one day I would find the strength to find a place for grief in your life, but not have grief be your life. For the sake of myself and my family that day has to be today.

I am finished crying. I need to feel amazed, happy, and pursuing a dream.

In all that I do, in wherever I will go, in whatever I will become, I will always love you. For it is you that taught me what love is and it is through that gift that I will live and love again.

more from CS Lewis

Can you not see death as the friend and deliverer? It means stripping off that body which is tormenting you. What are you afraid of? Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave it with regret?

from Camille March 4, 2009

I am thankful for the many talented doctors we had on our team.

Begin forwarded message:

Camille,

Thank you so much for taking the time to send condolences.

I thought that you would like to know that you were the catalyst behind Tracy and I deciding to get married when we did. Your style of bluntness caught us off guard when we first met and we believed that we were wasting time every day that we were not married. On the drive home from Rochester the first day of meeting you we bought rings and were married within a month! We always thanked you in our hearts for being the one who jump started our indecision. It obviously was the best decision I have ever made to marry Tracy. I miss him so much.

We fully appreciated all that you had done for him and always wished that you were closer and we could have some of your wisdom to help us make decisions this past year. I also will never be able to thank you enough for the 5 extra years that you gave me with him.

Thanks again,

Mica


On Mar 4, 2009, at 4:31 PM, Abboud, Camille wrote:

Mica:

I am sorry to hear from Anne McKenna about Tracy’s passing. I share your grief and wish I could have done more to mitigate things. He was always full of life and had a good sense of humor he will be remembered fondly in our hearts. Please accept my sincere condolences.

Camille

Professor of Medicine
Washington University in St Louis
Division of Oncology,Section BMT & Leukemia
660 South Euclid Avenue, Campus Box 8007
St Louis, MO 63110

Tel: 314-454-8323
Fax: 314-454-7551
Camille N Abboud, MD,FACP

it was a mistake and a cheap bandaid for the pain. the point is there is a huge difference between dating and keeping company with someone and clinging to them with every fiber of your being you have left because being alone is just scary right now.


There is no shortcut through grief.

Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
Heart and soul

Drowning

My current home and current town I live in is filled with nothing but memories of my husband that are so constant I sometimes feel like I am drowning.

I have to get out of here.

Being Strong

I am frequently told that I have to "be strong" for my kids. Well I am tired of being strong. Then I had to laugh as I wonder which child of mine would think I have even attempted to be strong since March. I doubt any of them would characterize me as being strong.

I am so thankful for each and every one of my children and the support that they give me in their own way every day.

Cheering up

This was in a handout from the grief class:

Be careful about cheering up too quickly. Be careful about believing that you need to cheer up too quickly. Wanting ourselves and others to feel better is natural, but trying to cheer up too quickly can get in the way of what you need to do, which is to grieve.

I think I tried to cheer up too quickly
or maybe my already crushed and broken heart was not ready to be crushed again.

and now it is like my grief is starting over from day one.

dreams

for the first time since Tracy died, he was in my dreams. It was just an ordinary dream where we were doing ordinary stuff. but I did not want to wake up. Thanks Tracy for coming into my dreams last night.

sadness and weather

I've found that it's of some help to think of one's moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather:

Here are some obvious things about the weather:

It's real.
You can't change it by wishing it away.
If it's dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can't alter it.
It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.

BUT

It will be sunny one day.
It isn't under one's control as to when the sun comes out, but come out it will.
One day.

It really is the same with one's moods, I think. The wrong approach is to believe that they are illusions. They are real. Depression, anxiety, listlessness - these are as real as the weather - AND EQUALLY NOT UNDER ONE'S CONTROL. Not one's fault.

BUT

They will pass: they really will.

In the same way that one has to accept the weather, so one has to accept how one feels about life sometimes. "Today's a crap day," is a perfectly realistic approach. It's all about finding a kind of mental umbrella. "Hey-ho, it's raining inside: it isn't my fault and there's nothing I can do about it, but sit it out. But the sun may well come out tomorrow and when it does, I shall take full advantage."

by Stephen Fry