Tracy and I had lots of good times. We had lots of times that were special....even the mundane day to day activities were fun with him. So why is that the only thing I can remember is the last 30 minutes of his life and that repeats in my head over and over all day long.
I am sorry Tracy for how much you suffered.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Strength
When I got a divorce, I felt free and strong. I was pleased when I accomplished tasks because I had something to prove to Paul. He made me feel small, weak, unworthy and not capable. So when I left I felt very confident. I was not who Paul said I was.
Tracy thought I was beautiful, smart, funny, amazing. Without him I do not feel like I am any of those things. I have lost all confidence. I am realizing all of the things that are required to maintain a house and a car, I really do not know how to do. I know the concept behind checking the oil, but I really have no idea what lines I should be looking between. According to what I see, we do not own a car that has any oil in it. I do not feel comfortable hiring a painter. I do not feel comfortable hiring a plumber. I feel small again. I am not who Tracy said I was.
Tracy thought I was beautiful, smart, funny, amazing. Without him I do not feel like I am any of those things. I have lost all confidence. I am realizing all of the things that are required to maintain a house and a car, I really do not know how to do. I know the concept behind checking the oil, but I really have no idea what lines I should be looking between. According to what I see, we do not own a car that has any oil in it. I do not feel comfortable hiring a painter. I do not feel comfortable hiring a plumber. I feel small again. I am not who Tracy said I was.
It's everything
The million losses....
He won't see this spring. He won't enjoy watching the plants make their way back from being covered in snow. He won't ask if I want to go for a ride with the top down. He won't be here for summer. We are not planning our vacation that we got to be alone for a week. He won't hear his favorite Bob Dylan songs or here the new Bob Dylan songs. He won't see Wesley get married, Josh graduate from high school, Hannah and Wesley graduate from college. He won't know if Trevor found his way. He won't be here to watch William perform again. All of the years he saved for retirement and he did not get to spend a dime of the money.
And I have to face all of those things without him.
He won't see this spring. He won't enjoy watching the plants make their way back from being covered in snow. He won't ask if I want to go for a ride with the top down. He won't be here for summer. We are not planning our vacation that we got to be alone for a week. He won't hear his favorite Bob Dylan songs or here the new Bob Dylan songs. He won't see Wesley get married, Josh graduate from high school, Hannah and Wesley graduate from college. He won't know if Trevor found his way. He won't be here to watch William perform again. All of the years he saved for retirement and he did not get to spend a dime of the money.
And I have to face all of those things without him.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Grief is...
Grief is throwing your hands up into the air and collapsing onto the floor into despair.
Today started off okay. The weather is perfect. The sun is shining, it is a warm 80 degrees. I had planned on working in the yard and that was going well. Then out of nowhere it hits me. Bob Dylan playing on my iPod Catch the Wind. The nice warm breeze...Tracy would be getting the boat ready for the water if it were not already in the water. And the tears flow and can not stop.
I hate my life.
In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty,
I want to be in the warm heart of your loving mind.
To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
Standing in your heart
Is where i want to be i long to be
Where i'm bound to be,
I'm but, I'm ears, we'll try and catch the wind
When sundown pales the sky,
I want to hide a while behind your smile,
And everywhere I look your eyes I find.
For me to love you now, would be the sweetest thing,
T'would make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears,
To help me to leave all my blues behind.
Standing in your heart is where I want to be
And long to be,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
Today started off okay. The weather is perfect. The sun is shining, it is a warm 80 degrees. I had planned on working in the yard and that was going well. Then out of nowhere it hits me. Bob Dylan playing on my iPod Catch the Wind. The nice warm breeze...Tracy would be getting the boat ready for the water if it were not already in the water. And the tears flow and can not stop.
I hate my life.
In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty,
I want to be in the warm heart of your loving mind.
To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
Standing in your heart
Is where i want to be i long to be
Where i'm bound to be,
I'm but, I'm ears, we'll try and catch the wind
When sundown pales the sky,
I want to hide a while behind your smile,
And everywhere I look your eyes I find.
For me to love you now, would be the sweetest thing,
T'would make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears,
To help me to leave all my blues behind.
Standing in your heart is where I want to be
And long to be,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Grieving Persons Rights
Avoid people who are critical or who try to steal your grief from you. They may tell you "time heals all wounds" or "you will get over it" or "keep your chin up."
While these comments may be well-intended, you do not have to accept them. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings -- both happy and sad. You have a right to express your grief; no one has the right to take it away.
While these comments may be well-intended, you do not have to accept them. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings -- both happy and sad. You have a right to express your grief; no one has the right to take it away.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
After the Group
I cried all of the way home. I had to pull over twice on the way home because I could not see past my tears. I was sad and angry when I got home. Sad for myself, for my loss, but also sad for everyone else there who was choking back tears, or for those who were not even trying to choke back tears. Angry at life because of how many people are suffering tonight over death.
One person, the only man in the group, told a story of how his first wife was killed by a drunk driver. He waited many years to re-marry but did so at age 75. Two weeks before he got married they found out that his soon to be wife had breast cancer that had metastasized. She lived for 4 years and died two days after Tracy died. He is now 80. He actually had heard of Tracy as he is a semi-retired professor at Cornell. He said that what he hated most was being told that it would get better. He said he did not want it to get better. Yes. That is exactly how I feel. I do not want to be 'over' Tracy.
Tonight for the first time since Tracy died I was hungry. I ate dinner because I wanted to eat and not because I know that at least every few days I must do so. The group was a relief. A place to go to nod in agreement to what others had to say and to have others nod in agreement to what I had to say. A place where that everyone knew that sometimes what is best is just a simple touch on a shoulder and no words said because there are no words available to say. A sad, overwhelming, exhausting day, but a relief nevertheless.
One person, the only man in the group, told a story of how his first wife was killed by a drunk driver. He waited many years to re-marry but did so at age 75. Two weeks before he got married they found out that his soon to be wife had breast cancer that had metastasized. She lived for 4 years and died two days after Tracy died. He is now 80. He actually had heard of Tracy as he is a semi-retired professor at Cornell. He said that what he hated most was being told that it would get better. He said he did not want it to get better. Yes. That is exactly how I feel. I do not want to be 'over' Tracy.
Tonight for the first time since Tracy died I was hungry. I ate dinner because I wanted to eat and not because I know that at least every few days I must do so. The group was a relief. A place to go to nod in agreement to what others had to say and to have others nod in agreement to what I had to say. A place where that everyone knew that sometimes what is best is just a simple touch on a shoulder and no words said because there are no words available to say. A sad, overwhelming, exhausting day, but a relief nevertheless.
Bereavement Group Assignment #1
What are your personal goals for the group?
I want a place to go that I can express myself without having to defend how I feel. I want a place where that others will understand how I feel.
Most people do not understand. They want me to be a certain way, to feel a certain way on a time frame that they believe to be reasonable.
I want to be able to say I laid around in bed all day and not have someone say you should not do that, you should stay busy, you should not think about it. I want someone to understand that some days all I want to do is to think about Tracy.
I want a place to go that I can express myself without having to defend how I feel. I want a place where that others will understand how I feel.
Most people do not understand. They want me to be a certain way, to feel a certain way on a time frame that they believe to be reasonable.
I want to be able to say I laid around in bed all day and not have someone say you should not do that, you should stay busy, you should not think about it. I want someone to understand that some days all I want to do is to think about Tracy.
SongBird by Fleetwood Mac
For you, there will be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
Its alright, I know its right
To you, Ill give the world
To you, Ill never be cold
cause I feel that when I'm with you,
Its alright, I know its right.
And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.
And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.
And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
Its alright, I know its right
To you, Ill give the world
To you, Ill never be cold
cause I feel that when I'm with you,
Its alright, I know its right.
And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.
And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.
And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The things that I carry
Grief is turning ordinary objects-a hairbrush, a note, a pin- into Sacred vestiges. - author unknown.
I carry his wallet in my purse.
His cell phone is in my purse.
I carry a note that he wrote me in my wallet. It says "don't forget the shirts at the cleaners - oh and i love you more all the time"
I sleep holding a sock hat that he wore all of the time because his hair never grew back quite right and he was always cold.
I also sleep in his t-shirts.
His laptop has become a sacred thing off limits to anyone but me. I do not use it, except to read things. That is where he left a letter he wrote me. It has a video of him playing the guitar. And conversations from when we first met as well as emails from the 'early days'. Those things could be imported to my computer and the computer put to good use by one of the children, but it won't be.
His toothbrush is still next to mine.
I wear his bathrobe (sometimes all day).
I carry his wallet in my purse.
His cell phone is in my purse.
I carry a note that he wrote me in my wallet. It says "don't forget the shirts at the cleaners - oh and i love you more all the time"
I sleep holding a sock hat that he wore all of the time because his hair never grew back quite right and he was always cold.
I also sleep in his t-shirts.
His laptop has become a sacred thing off limits to anyone but me. I do not use it, except to read things. That is where he left a letter he wrote me. It has a video of him playing the guitar. And conversations from when we first met as well as emails from the 'early days'. Those things could be imported to my computer and the computer put to good use by one of the children, but it won't be.
His toothbrush is still next to mine.
I wear his bathrobe (sometimes all day).
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Saving Grace
A friend and colleague of Tracy's sent me a nice card that said the following: "Tracy was so happy with you and your boys. I remember how he could not stop smiling when he was about to drive south to see you. How elated he was at the prospect of you moving to Ithaca. You two should have had many more years together. Everyone could see that you were his love, his life, his strength, his saving grace, his hero. You gave him a reason to continue his battle as long as he could, you gave him hope, you gave him the desire to breathe. Your love sustained him as long as humanly possible."
I guess because most people knew of Tracy's problems, his health, etc that I was viewed as some sort of saving grace to him. My dad had cancer when I was a little girl so I grew up with cancer. It never was all that scary because my dad was fine. Especially when Tracy said he had non hodgkins lymphoma...well my dad had hodgkins lymphoma so I just assumed he would be okay. It did not occur to me that I would have the word cancer decide love.
When Tracy and I first 're-met' online I was contemplating divorce with Paul. Actually I had contemplated it for a long time. I was going to ask him for a divorce right before I got pregnant with William and I looked at William being a sign from God that I should stay. As it turned out, William was a gift from God, but not a sign from God.
Tracy was also having problems with his marriage and he and I would give each other tips on how to improve things from the male or female point of view. I would tell him things that I thought would help with Rita from a woman's point of view and he would do the same for me. We were very good friends for a long time and I never in my wildest imagination thought it would go anywhere beyond talking about each other's marriage on the internet. Eventually I told him that Paul was a big drinker and not a fun drinker at that. Paul was abusive mainly mentally but sometimes physically as well.
It was because of Tracy that I got a divorce. Not because I thought I would be with Tracy, but because Tracy believed and convinced me that I was not the person that Paul thought I was. For years, Paul told me over and over how worthless I was, that he drank because of me, that no one else would ever want me because I was flawed. After hearing it daily for so long, one begins to believe it. Tracy said I made him a better person. Tracy said any man would be lucky to have me. Tracy made me believe that I was strong enough to do what I had to do to save myself.
Tracy is the hero, my saving grace. But he had it all wrong on how strong I am :(.
I guess because most people knew of Tracy's problems, his health, etc that I was viewed as some sort of saving grace to him. My dad had cancer when I was a little girl so I grew up with cancer. It never was all that scary because my dad was fine. Especially when Tracy said he had non hodgkins lymphoma...well my dad had hodgkins lymphoma so I just assumed he would be okay. It did not occur to me that I would have the word cancer decide love.
When Tracy and I first 're-met' online I was contemplating divorce with Paul. Actually I had contemplated it for a long time. I was going to ask him for a divorce right before I got pregnant with William and I looked at William being a sign from God that I should stay. As it turned out, William was a gift from God, but not a sign from God.
Tracy was also having problems with his marriage and he and I would give each other tips on how to improve things from the male or female point of view. I would tell him things that I thought would help with Rita from a woman's point of view and he would do the same for me. We were very good friends for a long time and I never in my wildest imagination thought it would go anywhere beyond talking about each other's marriage on the internet. Eventually I told him that Paul was a big drinker and not a fun drinker at that. Paul was abusive mainly mentally but sometimes physically as well.
It was because of Tracy that I got a divorce. Not because I thought I would be with Tracy, but because Tracy believed and convinced me that I was not the person that Paul thought I was. For years, Paul told me over and over how worthless I was, that he drank because of me, that no one else would ever want me because I was flawed. After hearing it daily for so long, one begins to believe it. Tracy said I made him a better person. Tracy said any man would be lucky to have me. Tracy made me believe that I was strong enough to do what I had to do to save myself.
Tracy is the hero, my saving grace. But he had it all wrong on how strong I am :(.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Grief is...
Grief is saying screw you for leaving me. - Author unknown.
Yes Tracy, Screw you. You promised me. You promised that you would not give up until I had given up. Well, guess what I still had hope. I had hope that the Cleveland Clinic could give some answers. It was only one week away. ONE WEEK. So screw you.
Thanks for leaving me so much to deal with. The mortgage. We had talked about that and how hard it would be for me to get a mortgage on my own, because I do not have a job. I did not have a job because I was taking care of you. I have to go in tomorrow to try and get the mortgage with the silly I don't have a job thing over my head. To convince them that yes although I am an unemployed crying middle aged mess I deserve a mortgage. I probably can not even write my name through the tears but yet I have to convince them I am responsible enough to handle a 100k loan. I do not to this day understand why Rita did not want me on the mortgage and why you cared so much that she said I should not be on it. The entire estate could have been handled better had she had not had so much involvement in the beginning of our marriage. Tomorrow my day is filled with bankers and lawyers. So thanks a lot.
The front porch is rotting. We talked about that. Yes I know that Rita met her boyfriend that ultimately destroyed your marriage with her and your sense of self worth when you hired him to fix the porch at the house you shared with Rita...well guess what...I am not Rita. I just wanted the fucking porch fixed. I did not want anyone to fall through it. That was it. I LOVE YOU. I WANT YOU. Brad Pitt could have repaired the porch, and I still would have loved and wanted you. The porch was not the reason that Rita had the affair. So thanks a lot for leaving me to deal with that. I do not have the energy to make the phone calls to wait for the repair men to never show and then to trust that I am not being taken advantage of.
Lastly, but most important of all, I need help with Josh. You said you wanted to help. You were better at handling him than I am. He needs help and I can not do this alone. He is falling apart. I have fallen apart. I can not do one part of this, so certainly I can not do all of this.
I do not want to be alone again.
You promised me. Screw you.
Yes Tracy, Screw you. You promised me. You promised that you would not give up until I had given up. Well, guess what I still had hope. I had hope that the Cleveland Clinic could give some answers. It was only one week away. ONE WEEK. So screw you.
Thanks for leaving me so much to deal with. The mortgage. We had talked about that and how hard it would be for me to get a mortgage on my own, because I do not have a job. I did not have a job because I was taking care of you. I have to go in tomorrow to try and get the mortgage with the silly I don't have a job thing over my head. To convince them that yes although I am an unemployed crying middle aged mess I deserve a mortgage. I probably can not even write my name through the tears but yet I have to convince them I am responsible enough to handle a 100k loan. I do not to this day understand why Rita did not want me on the mortgage and why you cared so much that she said I should not be on it. The entire estate could have been handled better had she had not had so much involvement in the beginning of our marriage. Tomorrow my day is filled with bankers and lawyers. So thanks a lot.
The front porch is rotting. We talked about that. Yes I know that Rita met her boyfriend that ultimately destroyed your marriage with her and your sense of self worth when you hired him to fix the porch at the house you shared with Rita...well guess what...I am not Rita. I just wanted the fucking porch fixed. I did not want anyone to fall through it. That was it. I LOVE YOU. I WANT YOU. Brad Pitt could have repaired the porch, and I still would have loved and wanted you. The porch was not the reason that Rita had the affair. So thanks a lot for leaving me to deal with that. I do not have the energy to make the phone calls to wait for the repair men to never show and then to trust that I am not being taken advantage of.
Lastly, but most important of all, I need help with Josh. You said you wanted to help. You were better at handling him than I am. He needs help and I can not do this alone. He is falling apart. I have fallen apart. I can not do one part of this, so certainly I can not do all of this.
I do not want to be alone again.
You promised me. Screw you.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
What is Grief?
Grief is feeling guilty because we did not stop death, could not revert death, and cannot change death. - author unknown.
Tracy left me notes before he went to work. One of the last notes before he went on disability said "You keep me going".
Did he know that I was losing hope? Did he know that I was not sure that we would make it to the Cleveland Clinic? Or that if we did make it that the doctors would take one look at how sick he was and say there was no way he would be put on the list? Did he not want to go back to the hospital because he did not want to or did he know that I did not want him to be there? That I could not take another day with the staff at Cayuga Med. Did he not want to go the long term nursing care because he did not want to go or because he knew that I did not want him there? Did he give up because he felt like I was giving up? Did I stop "keeping him going"?
Tracy left me notes before he went to work. One of the last notes before he went on disability said "You keep me going".
Did he know that I was losing hope? Did he know that I was not sure that we would make it to the Cleveland Clinic? Or that if we did make it that the doctors would take one look at how sick he was and say there was no way he would be put on the list? Did he not want to go back to the hospital because he did not want to or did he know that I did not want him to be there? That I could not take another day with the staff at Cayuga Med. Did he not want to go the long term nursing care because he did not want to go or because he knew that I did not want him there? Did he give up because he felt like I was giving up? Did I stop "keeping him going"?
Loss
It is not the one big loss, it is the million little losses that one must face each day. Tracy will never ride with the top down, he will never be excited to put his boat in the water, see the first signs of spring. I will never be able to do those things with him. Every day, every minute I am faced with another little loss. Those endless losses are the hardest to face.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Not just someone
I want someone to care about what I did today, to feel a loving touch, to have someone care if I am going to be late, or to tell me to not hit a deer. But that can't be just anyone, I want it to be my husband. I want it to be Tracy.
Dimes
I read that a sign from the deceased could come in the form of dimes. I found a dime today!!! While I was doing laundry, a dime appeared on the floor by the dryer. Imagine that.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Safe and Sound
There's beauty in release
There's no one left to please but you and me
I don't blame you for quitting
I know you really tried
If only you could hang on through the night
I don't want to be lonely
I don't want to be scared
There's no one left to please but you and me
I don't blame you for quitting
I know you really tried
If only you could hang on through the night
I don't want to be lonely
I don't want to be scared
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
A Bereaved Person's Wish List
Author unknown
1. I wish my husband hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my husband's name.
My husband lived and was very important to me. I need to
hear that he was important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my husband
I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My
husbands death is the cause of my tears. You have talked
about my husband, and you have allowed me to share my
grief. I thank you for both.
4. I wish you would not remove my husband pictures,
artwork, or other remembrances from you home.
5. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you
wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
6. I need diversions, so I want to hear about you, but, I also
want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry,
but I wish you would let me talk about my husband, my
favorite topic of the day.
7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know
that my husband's death pains you, too. I wish you would
let me know these things through a phone call, a card or
note, or a real big hug.
8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six
months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish
you could understand that my grief will never be over.
9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or
"be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so
don't frustrate yourself.
10. I don't want a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me
grieve. I must hurt before I heal.
11. I wish you understood how my life has been shattered. I
know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm
feeling miserable. Please be patient with me as I am with you.
12. I wish you knew that all grief reactions I'm having are very
normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming
sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when
I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
13. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice.
However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I
wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an
hour at a time.
14. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent.
Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to
get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a
quiet place to spend time alone.
15. I wish very much you could understand - understand my
loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my
pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.
1. I wish my husband hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my husband's name.
My husband lived and was very important to me. I need to
hear that he was important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my husband
I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My
husbands death is the cause of my tears. You have talked
about my husband, and you have allowed me to share my
grief. I thank you for both.
4. I wish you would not remove my husband pictures,
artwork, or other remembrances from you home.
5. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you
wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
6. I need diversions, so I want to hear about you, but, I also
want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry,
but I wish you would let me talk about my husband, my
favorite topic of the day.
7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know
that my husband's death pains you, too. I wish you would
let me know these things through a phone call, a card or
note, or a real big hug.
8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six
months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish
you could understand that my grief will never be over.
9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or
"be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so
don't frustrate yourself.
10. I don't want a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me
grieve. I must hurt before I heal.
11. I wish you understood how my life has been shattered. I
know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm
feeling miserable. Please be patient with me as I am with you.
12. I wish you knew that all grief reactions I'm having are very
normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming
sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when
I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
13. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice.
However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I
wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an
hour at a time.
14. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent.
Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to
get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a
quiet place to spend time alone.
15. I wish very much you could understand - understand my
loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my
pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.
People keep saying I have to take care of myself, that Tracy would have wanted that. I know that Tracy would not want me sick, but I think he would want to be with me. Why does anyone think that they might know better than me what Tracy may or may not have wanted.
Then 'they' say God ended his suffering and I should be thankful. I am thankful. But that also means that God started my suffering. Not so thankful for that.
I think one can die of a broken heart. If you don't think that, then you have never lost a spouse. If the person that you lived for, the person that completed you, the person that loved you despite knowing everything about you, the person that made you feel alive dies, what makes people think it's a good thing for you to go on living.
I am also told I have so much of my life ahead of me. I have none of my life ahead of me. My life as I knew it, is gone forever. It feels like pure punishment for a sin that I can not understand. What could I have ever done that was so bad to deserve to feel completely loved, to have my 'happy ending' and then have that ripped away. It feels like I knew that happiness and love could exist for a moment in time, but the pain will last for eternity.
I have heard from other widows that in a year the pain will not be so unbearable. In two years, you won't cry every day or better yet, the second year is harder than the first. I hear that the ratio of good to bad days gets better. Someone four years out says the hole in your heart never heals completely. All of this is supposed to be a comfort. So that is what I have in my future a better ratio of good and bad days. I have yet to hear a widow say that you will feel love again, you will be happy again. Just it won't hurt quite the same way. I hear the 'seasoned widows' as they are apparently called have learned to cope with the pain and the loneliness.
So I have to keep going so I can feel emptiness and loneliness that stretches on and on and on.
Then 'they' say God ended his suffering and I should be thankful. I am thankful. But that also means that God started my suffering. Not so thankful for that.
I think one can die of a broken heart. If you don't think that, then you have never lost a spouse. If the person that you lived for, the person that completed you, the person that loved you despite knowing everything about you, the person that made you feel alive dies, what makes people think it's a good thing for you to go on living.
I am also told I have so much of my life ahead of me. I have none of my life ahead of me. My life as I knew it, is gone forever. It feels like pure punishment for a sin that I can not understand. What could I have ever done that was so bad to deserve to feel completely loved, to have my 'happy ending' and then have that ripped away. It feels like I knew that happiness and love could exist for a moment in time, but the pain will last for eternity.
I have heard from other widows that in a year the pain will not be so unbearable. In two years, you won't cry every day or better yet, the second year is harder than the first. I hear that the ratio of good to bad days gets better. Someone four years out says the hole in your heart never heals completely. All of this is supposed to be a comfort. So that is what I have in my future a better ratio of good and bad days. I have yet to hear a widow say that you will feel love again, you will be happy again. Just it won't hurt quite the same way. I hear the 'seasoned widows' as they are apparently called have learned to cope with the pain and the loneliness.
So I have to keep going so I can feel emptiness and loneliness that stretches on and on and on.
Is this Crazy?
I want to go to a John Edward show. Or a guy in New York city who holds a seance every Thursday night not far from where James works. I am going to order a necklace that you can put some of the ashes in. The one I like is tear dropped shaped and silver. I think I will wait until the necklace comes in before I go to either John Edwards or the seance guy - who has a PHD btw :). If he has a PHD he has to be okay :). It seems like if I had the ashes around my heart that would bring Tracy to us.
I just want to know that he is okay. I want him to know that I am not. I told Tracy a long time ago that if I were at a John Edward Show that he should come talk to me, he said he would except that John Edward was a liar and a fraud. If Tracy talked to me it would probably be just to say to stop spending money like this :).
I just want to know that he is okay. I want him to know that I am not. I told Tracy a long time ago that if I were at a John Edward Show that he should come talk to me, he said he would except that John Edward was a liar and a fraud. If Tracy talked to me it would probably be just to say to stop spending money like this :).
Monday, April 13, 2009
Grief Share Help for the Journey
Not going to do those anymore. The theme is the same. God is with me, He will help me, He will answer my prayer for comfort. Why is He going to start all that now? What makes that prayer today any different than the fact I have prayed that during Tracy's illness. I want better answers, better solutions.
If one more person says what does not kill us makes us stronger, I will punch them. Why do I need to be so strong? Am I about to have to pull a car off of a baby?
If one more person says what does not kill us makes us stronger, I will punch them. Why do I need to be so strong? Am I about to have to pull a car off of a baby?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter
So it is Easter. A time to rejoice.
I am glad that Tracy was not religious. Today would have been difficult. Today was not harder than any other day is. All days are hard.
Today though is a time that I find myself reflecting on what I believe as far as heaven, hell, God and Jesus. I want to believe that Tracy is safe in heaven. That he is okay, that one day I will be with him again. But when I think about it, really think about it, well it makes for a good story, but is it a believable story? When Tracy was in ICU and we had to decide about the vent and then it was a difficult placement of the vent and even the doctors were surprised that he made it, my prayer at that time, was not that God's will be done, but MY will. I wanted him alive. I did want him well. And he was alive for awhile, he did not get well.
I wish I understood God, heaven and hell.
I wish I had the faith that God will somehow make it all better, when so far my prayers have gone largely unheard. If they are being heard, they are not being answered.
I am glad that Tracy was not religious. Today would have been difficult. Today was not harder than any other day is. All days are hard.
Today though is a time that I find myself reflecting on what I believe as far as heaven, hell, God and Jesus. I want to believe that Tracy is safe in heaven. That he is okay, that one day I will be with him again. But when I think about it, really think about it, well it makes for a good story, but is it a believable story? When Tracy was in ICU and we had to decide about the vent and then it was a difficult placement of the vent and even the doctors were surprised that he made it, my prayer at that time, was not that God's will be done, but MY will. I wanted him alive. I did want him well. And he was alive for awhile, he did not get well.
I wish I understood God, heaven and hell.
I wish I had the faith that God will somehow make it all better, when so far my prayers have gone largely unheard. If they are being heard, they are not being answered.
The Service
by Wesley Sanders
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit
Here and now, dear friends, we are God's children
A life we love has been torn from us
The mystery of death has stricken us
O God, you know the lives we live and the deaths we die-
woven so strangely of purpose and of chance
of strength and of frailty, of happiness and of pain.
Behold our tears, and bind up the wounds of our hearts
Through the mystery of pain,
bring us into closer communion with you and with one another
Raise us from death into life.
Friends, we have gathered here together to celebrate the life of Tracy
We come together in grief, acknowledging our human loss
May God grant us grace, that in pain we may find comfort
in sorrow, hope, in death, resurrection.
HYMN Be Still My Soul #534
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me to lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside still waters.
he restores my soul:
he leads me in the paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me,
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou prepares a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
God of us all, your love never ends
When all else fails, you still are God.
We pray to you for one another in our need
and for all, anywhere, who mourn with us this day
To those who doubt, give light
to those who are weak, strength
to those who sorrow, peace
Keep true in us, the love with which we hold one another
In all our ways we trust you
All to you, with your Church on earth and in heaven, we offer honor and glory
now and forever, amen.
EULOGY
Matthew 8:23-25 As he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. And a great storm developed on the sea so that the waves began to swamp the boat. But he was asleep. So they came and woke him up saying, “Lord, save us! We are about to die!” But he said to them, “Why are you cowardly, you people of little faith?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it was dead calm.
Part of why I chose this Scripture is because Tracy had such a love for sailing. This passage is often called "jesus calms the storm", although I'm not sure tracy always wanted the seas calm. I remember one year when we went to the beach with my extended family and tracy joined us, he and my mom had their own adventure on the wild seas: a metal pin broke and the sail came down while they were out on his Hobie boat. They eventually made it safe and although it was a scary experience for all of us I think Tracy probably enjoyed the adventure to some degree. But he worked hard to make sure my mom was safe while trying to get to shore. He and my mom were so happy together. There was no way you could spend time with the two of them without seeing that love that they share. Tracy was devoted to his family and I know it was a very hard choice for him to uproot my brothers, mom, and I and move us here to New York. But he worked hard to make this our new home. And we flourished here in what could have been a very difficult adjustment because tracy worked hard to make us a home here in Freeville. He loved his family and in spite of the sometimes immense stress of his disease, he gave so much of himself to my mom, to his children, and to me and my brothers.
His love that he left us will carry on and will help calm the storm that has cast itself over us right now.
My mom wanted me to read this as a reminder that tracy's journey has taken him sailing to a new lake, his legacy and love are still here.
"A Parable of Immortality" by Henry van Dyke.
I am standing by the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
'There she goes! ' ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
'Here she comes!'
Tracy's last year was very hard for him in many ways, but I know one of the most difficult was that he couldn't sail. I know he's out on that new lake in the kingdom of God now, sailing once again. Will you pray with me? Almighty God, just as you calmed the seas with your disciples, calm the seas that rock our lives this day. Help us to have the assurance that Tracy is now in your kingdom, sailing with you. God, give us comfort, hope, and peace in this time of trial. Amen. If you could join me in singing hymn #344, Lord, You have Come to the Lake Shore
HYMN #344 Lord, You Have Come to the Lakeshore
WITNESS
Gary Napier
Trevor French
Alan French
Tracy Stokol
HYMN #377 It Is Well or Precious Lord Take my hand
DISMISSAL WITH BLESSING
The peace of God which passes all understanding
keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God.
As we offer Tracy back into your arms,
comfort us in our loneliness,
strengthen us in our weakness,
and give us the courage to face the future unafraid.
Draw those of us who remain in this life closer to one another,
make us faithful to serve one another,
and give us to know your peace and joy.
May the blessing of God Almighty
the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Be among you and remain with you always. Amen.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit
Here and now, dear friends, we are God's children
A life we love has been torn from us
The mystery of death has stricken us
O God, you know the lives we live and the deaths we die-
woven so strangely of purpose and of chance
of strength and of frailty, of happiness and of pain.
Behold our tears, and bind up the wounds of our hearts
Through the mystery of pain,
bring us into closer communion with you and with one another
Raise us from death into life.
Friends, we have gathered here together to celebrate the life of Tracy
We come together in grief, acknowledging our human loss
May God grant us grace, that in pain we may find comfort
in sorrow, hope, in death, resurrection.
HYMN Be Still My Soul #534
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me to lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside still waters.
he restores my soul:
he leads me in the paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me,
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou prepares a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
God of us all, your love never ends
When all else fails, you still are God.
We pray to you for one another in our need
and for all, anywhere, who mourn with us this day
To those who doubt, give light
to those who are weak, strength
to those who sorrow, peace
Keep true in us, the love with which we hold one another
In all our ways we trust you
All to you, with your Church on earth and in heaven, we offer honor and glory
now and forever, amen.
EULOGY
Matthew 8:23-25 As he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. And a great storm developed on the sea so that the waves began to swamp the boat. But he was asleep. So they came and woke him up saying, “Lord, save us! We are about to die!” But he said to them, “Why are you cowardly, you people of little faith?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it was dead calm.
Part of why I chose this Scripture is because Tracy had such a love for sailing. This passage is often called "jesus calms the storm", although I'm not sure tracy always wanted the seas calm. I remember one year when we went to the beach with my extended family and tracy joined us, he and my mom had their own adventure on the wild seas: a metal pin broke and the sail came down while they were out on his Hobie boat. They eventually made it safe and although it was a scary experience for all of us I think Tracy probably enjoyed the adventure to some degree. But he worked hard to make sure my mom was safe while trying to get to shore. He and my mom were so happy together. There was no way you could spend time with the two of them without seeing that love that they share. Tracy was devoted to his family and I know it was a very hard choice for him to uproot my brothers, mom, and I and move us here to New York. But he worked hard to make this our new home. And we flourished here in what could have been a very difficult adjustment because tracy worked hard to make us a home here in Freeville. He loved his family and in spite of the sometimes immense stress of his disease, he gave so much of himself to my mom, to his children, and to me and my brothers.
His love that he left us will carry on and will help calm the storm that has cast itself over us right now.
My mom wanted me to read this as a reminder that tracy's journey has taken him sailing to a new lake, his legacy and love are still here.
"A Parable of Immortality" by Henry van Dyke.
I am standing by the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
'There she goes! ' ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
'Here she comes!'
Tracy's last year was very hard for him in many ways, but I know one of the most difficult was that he couldn't sail. I know he's out on that new lake in the kingdom of God now, sailing once again. Will you pray with me? Almighty God, just as you calmed the seas with your disciples, calm the seas that rock our lives this day. Help us to have the assurance that Tracy is now in your kingdom, sailing with you. God, give us comfort, hope, and peace in this time of trial. Amen. If you could join me in singing hymn #344, Lord, You have Come to the Lake Shore
HYMN #344 Lord, You Have Come to the Lakeshore
WITNESS
Gary Napier
Trevor French
Alan French
Tracy Stokol
HYMN #377 It Is Well or Precious Lord Take my hand
DISMISSAL WITH BLESSING
The peace of God which passes all understanding
keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God.
As we offer Tracy back into your arms,
comfort us in our loneliness,
strengthen us in our weakness,
and give us the courage to face the future unafraid.
Draw those of us who remain in this life closer to one another,
make us faithful to serve one another,
and give us to know your peace and joy.
May the blessing of God Almighty
the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Be among you and remain with you always. Amen.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Guilt
I honestly thought that we would make it to the Cleveland Clinic. I did not think he was going to die until it was too late to do anything about it. How could I have not known? He had been in ICU for 45 days for his radiation therapy scarring to his lungs complicated by pneumonia then complicated by everything else. He had a tracheostomy because of the same scarring to his trachea was making it impossible for him to be taken off of the ventilator. He had a feeding tube because weight loss was going to make it so that he was not a candidate for the transplant. His children and I made the decision to save his life and treat the pneumonia. We decided on the vent, the trachea, the feeding tube. We thought he had a chance. Then he finally comes home from the hospital and two weeks later is dead.
The guilt that I feel is overwhelming. I wish I had brought him back to the hospital on the day that he died. Maybe we could have kept fighting. Maybe he would have been all right.
Or did we do too much. Just prolong his life for purely selfish reasons. Made his last three months of life totally miserable.
Plus his last two weeks at home where not as they should have been. I was tired, he was tired, we both were cranky.
I want a re-do. But I do not know what I would re-do. I just want this over with. But I am not even sure what that means.
The guilt that I feel is overwhelming. I wish I had brought him back to the hospital on the day that he died. Maybe we could have kept fighting. Maybe he would have been all right.
Or did we do too much. Just prolong his life for purely selfish reasons. Made his last three months of life totally miserable.
Plus his last two weeks at home where not as they should have been. I was tired, he was tired, we both were cranky.
I want a re-do. But I do not know what I would re-do. I just want this over with. But I am not even sure what that means.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Grief Runs Deep: Where is the Hope Day 4
Dr. Joseph Stowell says, "Even though your heart is breaking and tears are clouding your eyes and staining your cheeks, God does give us something worth trusting in tough times. And that's Him, and Him alone."
When your heart is breaking, you can place your hope and trust in the Lord.
"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD" (Psalm 31:24).
Anne Graham Lotz defines hope: "Biblical hope is absolute confidence in something you haven't seen or received yet, but you're absolutely confident that whatever God has said is going to come to pass."
She also declares that "Jesus is your hope for the future. One day Jesus Christ will come back, and He will set all of the wrong right. Good will triumph over the bad. Love will triumph over hate. Righteousness will triumph over evil. He's going to make it all right, and you can have absolute confidence that that's going to take place. That's your hope."
Sovereign God, I choose hope. I choose faith. I choose life. Give me an unshakable faith in You. Amen.
But I chose hope and life for my husband. I prayed for life for Tracy. God did not make it all right.
When your heart is breaking, you can place your hope and trust in the Lord.
"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD" (Psalm 31:24).
Anne Graham Lotz defines hope: "Biblical hope is absolute confidence in something you haven't seen or received yet, but you're absolutely confident that whatever God has said is going to come to pass."
She also declares that "Jesus is your hope for the future. One day Jesus Christ will come back, and He will set all of the wrong right. Good will triumph over the bad. Love will triumph over hate. Righteousness will triumph over evil. He's going to make it all right, and you can have absolute confidence that that's going to take place. That's your hope."
Sovereign God, I choose hope. I choose faith. I choose life. Give me an unshakable faith in You. Amen.
But I chose hope and life for my husband. I prayed for life for Tracy. God did not make it all right.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Grief Share Help for the Journey Day 3
When you feel weak
In the Bible
Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. Psalm 31:9
1. What areas of your life does grief affect?
There is not an area in my life that grief does not affect. It affects my sleeping, my waking, my children, my health. There is not an escape from grief.
2. In this Psalm, where did David (the author) go for help when he felt weak?
He went to God.
In your life
1. How is grief affecting you physically and emotionally?
I have lost weight. I have no energy. I have no motivation for doing anything - showering, laundry, etc. I am consumed with thinking about Tracy and nothing else.
2. How is grief affecting your relationships with others? I do not have an attention span, I can not concentrate on what others are saying. So I ignore my children, I do not answer the phone and would prefer to be left alone. I am in my room upstairs, William in the office downstairs, and Joshua in the basement. Three floors to a house and we all use one of them. I feel bad for my children. My friends want to meet me for lunch every Tuesday. So far I have gone, but I do not feel like doing that.
In the Bible
Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. Psalm 31:9
1. What areas of your life does grief affect?
There is not an area in my life that grief does not affect. It affects my sleeping, my waking, my children, my health. There is not an escape from grief.
2. In this Psalm, where did David (the author) go for help when he felt weak?
He went to God.
In your life
1. How is grief affecting you physically and emotionally?
I have lost weight. I have no energy. I have no motivation for doing anything - showering, laundry, etc. I am consumed with thinking about Tracy and nothing else.
2. How is grief affecting your relationships with others? I do not have an attention span, I can not concentrate on what others are saying. So I ignore my children, I do not answer the phone and would prefer to be left alone. I am in my room upstairs, William in the office downstairs, and Joshua in the basement. Three floors to a house and we all use one of them. I feel bad for my children. My friends want to meet me for lunch every Tuesday. So far I have gone, but I do not feel like doing that.
One month on April 3
The one month anniversary of the death I was going to try hard to do something other than laying around in my husband's clothes.
Try to focus on something positive about this day (the one month anniversary of when my heart was ripped from my very soul). It was a beautiful day. I did get my husband's midlife crisis BMW convertible out of hibernation for the winter and put the top down. I thought my husband (he in my heart) and I could take a ride. Turned on the radio and what was playing.....SongBird by Fleetwood Mac. He played that on his guitar and sang for me on our wedding night. Okay I can still do this. It can still be a good day.
We had chinese for dinner and they gave us 4 fortune cookies instead of 3. That really hurt also as if the random chinese place knew that we were missing a person. That's fine though, I can still do this.
We 'gave' the extra to my husband and put it in his spot. When we read it it said "you are now a peaceful man". Okay still working on doing this and the day will be over soon.
Before my husband died we got these cards for Christmas that are called table topics. The website describes it as 'intriguing, funny, enlightening, thought provoking questions to help make connections with teens, friends, family". I am sure if you have teenagers you can almost hear the groans that accompany me bringing out the cards produce :). But I thought it was fun. We had not taken the cards out since my husband died. The question that was randomly selected was "is there only one soul mate for each person" That was it. I resign.
Do you ever feel like that God is just messing with you?
It seems like staying in bed in my husband's clothes all day works better.
Try to focus on something positive about this day (the one month anniversary of when my heart was ripped from my very soul). It was a beautiful day. I did get my husband's midlife crisis BMW convertible out of hibernation for the winter and put the top down. I thought my husband (he in my heart) and I could take a ride. Turned on the radio and what was playing.....SongBird by Fleetwood Mac. He played that on his guitar and sang for me on our wedding night. Okay I can still do this. It can still be a good day.
We had chinese for dinner and they gave us 4 fortune cookies instead of 3. That really hurt also as if the random chinese place knew that we were missing a person. That's fine though, I can still do this.
We 'gave' the extra to my husband and put it in his spot. When we read it it said "you are now a peaceful man". Okay still working on doing this and the day will be over soon.
Before my husband died we got these cards for Christmas that are called table topics. The website describes it as 'intriguing, funny, enlightening, thought provoking questions to help make connections with teens, friends, family". I am sure if you have teenagers you can almost hear the groans that accompany me bringing out the cards produce :). But I thought it was fun. We had not taken the cards out since my husband died. The question that was randomly selected was "is there only one soul mate for each person" That was it. I resign.
Do you ever feel like that God is just messing with you?
It seems like staying in bed in my husband's clothes all day works better.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Grief Share Help for the Journey Day 2
Comfort for your grief
In the Bible
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
1. What kind of blessing do you think will come to the person who honestly mourns?
I do not think there is a blessing behind mourning. It hurts.
2. How can a person in mourning be comforted?
Just let me talk, let me cry.
Let me be sad.
In your life
1. Are you allowing yourself to grieve? Why or why not?
All I do is grieve. I have no energy or desire for anything else.
2. Since the death of your loved one, what have you found comfort in?
I have found comfort in going through old pictures, emails, notes and letter. I have found comfort in sleeping in his tshirts and holding his sock hat.
In the Bible
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
1. What kind of blessing do you think will come to the person who honestly mourns?
I do not think there is a blessing behind mourning. It hurts.
2. How can a person in mourning be comforted?
Just let me talk, let me cry.
Let me be sad.
In your life
1. Are you allowing yourself to grieve? Why or why not?
All I do is grieve. I have no energy or desire for anything else.
2. Since the death of your loved one, what have you found comfort in?
I have found comfort in going through old pictures, emails, notes and letter. I have found comfort in sleeping in his tshirts and holding his sock hat.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Grief Share Help for the Journey Day 1
Why do I hurt so much?
In the Bible
For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. Psalm 38:17
1. Describe your pain. My body physically hurts. My skin hurts, my head hurts. I am tired. My mind is numb.
2. At what times does your pain feel the deepest? first thing in the morning before I am awake and I have forgot what has happened. Then it hits me in the face. I have to start another day without him.
In your life
1. The author of the above Bible verse is honestly expressing his emotions to God. Whom have you shared your emotions with? Katie, Sue, Peggy and James
In the Bible
For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. Psalm 38:17
1. Describe your pain. My body physically hurts. My skin hurts, my head hurts. I am tired. My mind is numb.
2. At what times does your pain feel the deepest? first thing in the morning before I am awake and I have forgot what has happened. Then it hits me in the face. I have to start another day without him.
In your life
1. The author of the above Bible verse is honestly expressing his emotions to God. Whom have you shared your emotions with? Katie, Sue, Peggy and James
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