my family

We have had such a hard time trying to regroup to the family that we are now. Just the three of us. I want so much to get back to where this house is filled with joy. I thought we could try family game night again. But as it turns out all of our games are for even number of people.

My family is uneven and out of balance. I don't know how to get it back together.

Silence

Two years ago, Hannah, Trevor lived here part time, James lived here - Liz was here often. Wesley was still home. Joshua, William, Tracy and I. I never knew if I were cooking for 9 or 4. The house was chaotic, noisy, but so full of life. The door was constantly opening closing with people coming and going. Now our house is quiet, sad and so full of death. The silence is deafening and I can't stand it.

some days are stone

When you ask how I've been here without you, I like to say I've been fine, and I do.
But we both know the truth is hard to come by. And if I told the truth, that's not quite true.
Some days are diamonds, some days are stone. Some times the hard times won't leave me alone.
Some times the cold winds blow a chill in my bones.
Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

Now the face that I see in my mirror, more and more is a stranger to me.
More and more I can see there's a danger in becoming what I never thought I'd be.
Some days are diamonds, some days are stone. Some times the hard times won't leave me alone.
Some times the cold winds blow a chill in my bones.
Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

I just want my old life back.

from CS Lewis

CS Lewis writes:
'Because she is in God's hands.' But if so, she was in God's hands all the time, and I have seen what they did to her here. Do they suddenly become gentler to us the moment we are out of the body? And if so, why? If God's goodness is inconsistent with hurting us, then either God is not good or there is no God: for in the only life we know He hurts us beyond our worst fears and beyond all we can imagine. If it is consistent with hurting us, then He may hurt us after death as unendurably as before it.

This is the part that I will struggle with always....in God's hands. I was told that Tracy was in God's hands while he was in the hospital....and Tracy suffered. Now he is in God's hands again. How can we trust those hands now?

caulking

what is so hard about a caulk gun? why is everything hard with out him. It is a caulk gun and I can't figure it out :( :(. Why does not being able to figure out a caulk gun reduce me to tears.

It is pathetic.

The Greatest Loss

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

Please Don't

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that Tracy is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, maybe the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget
and there will always be times that I cry.

Empty

I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give.

Dean Koontz

Right now it is destroying me.


“Grief can destroy you – or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness if it. But when it is over and you are alone, you begin to see it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, no just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by the gratitude of what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day, not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.” -- Dean Koontz

Fuck

Fuck the upcoming holidays and being without him.
Fuck losing the one person in the world that understood me, and still liked me.
Fuck trying to stay strong for my kids, I love them and all, but damn, fuck it.
Fuck it that my kids feel they have to stay strong with me.
Fuck having car troubles and knowing nothing about cars.
Fuck every damn song and movie that reminds me that I am ALONE.
Fuck having to even enter this shitty dating world again because I am fucking fucking scared and tired of being alone.
FUCK FUCK FUCK wondering if one person can have 2 soulmates and FUCK FUCK FUCK having to even think that thought because I had my soulmate and GOD FUCKING TOOK HIM FROM ME!
Fuck cleaning my room and having to dust an urn that holds my heart and soul...

from Josh

mom are you dying?
i really am scared
please come save me
please come save me

i still need you. i've always needed you.
hell, it's just us three running the god dam place
i can't even be around. i'm too busy fucking around.


I am not dying. I am just not living.

Sad to say I cannot save you. I am not sure I can save myself.

Sorry Josh. Really I am.

from twf one year ago today

Begin forwarded message:

From: TW French
Date: October 11, 2008 12:06:30 PM EDT
To: Mica Miller French
Subject: guess what!

I still love you Mica Lee Miller French.
You are so beautiful!
twf