Rumi

Suffering is a treasure, for it conceals mercies;
The almond becomes fresh when you peel off the rind.
O my brother, staying in a cold dark place
And bearing patiently the grief, weakness, and pain
Is the Source of Life and the cup of Abandon!
The heights are found only in the depths of abasement;
Spring is hidden in autumn, and autumn pregnant with spring.
Flee neither; be the friend of Grief, accept desolation,
Hunt for the life that springs from the death of yourself.

- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi
(Translated by Andrew Harvey from A Year of Rumi)

one year

Up with the sun, gone with the wind
She always said I was lazy
Leavin' my home, leavin' my friends
Runnin' when things get too crazy
Out to the road, out 'neath the stars
Feelin' the breeze, passin' the cars

Women have come, women have gone
Everyone tryin' to cage me
Oh, some were so sweet, I barely got free
Others they only enrage me
Sometimes at night, I see their faces
I feel the traces they've left on my soul
Those are the memories that make me a wealthy soul
Those are the memories that make me a wealthy soul

Travelin' man, love when I can
Turn in my hand 'cause I'm goin' on
Oh, travelin' man, love when I can
But sooner or later I'm goin' on, yea
Travelin man

[break]

Sometimes at night, I see their faces
I feel the traces they've left on my soul
But those are the memories that make me a wealthy soul
I tell you those are the memories that make me a wealthy soul
Travelin' man, yea

Last Post also known as really finished

I just read a book called the Other Side of Sadness. One point that it made was this:

People who endeavor to move on and be happy – usually because they feel the deceased would have wanted that – have better lives and outcomes than those who succumb to the idea that grief is a process that must be worked through.

I feel guilty when I am happy even though "Be happy" were the last words in the letter that Tracy wrote to me. I feel guilty when I am sad because that is against the last words in the letter that Tracy wrote to me. It is time to move on. That does not mean I did not love my husband. I did and will continue to love him.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a happy fulfilling life and I am the only one who can give that to me.

Thank you to my dad for suggesting I do this. Thank you to my Texas and Georgia family who faithfully read what I write and email me with letters and thoughts of hope. Thank you to my friends who have stood by me and have not once faltered on whether to continue to be my friend through these past years that only be described as torture to both Tracy and myself. Thanks for putting up with my ups and downs (yes mostly downs). I hope I can be as good of friend back.

Most of all thank you to my most precious children whom without I would not have made it this far. You have put up with a lot, tolerated a lot and your support is felt deeply and appreciated more than you will ever know.

Finished

A good friend said that one day I would find the strength to find a place for grief in your life, but not have grief be your life. For the sake of myself and my family that day has to be today.

I am finished crying. I need to feel amazed, happy, and pursuing a dream.

In all that I do, in wherever I will go, in whatever I will become, I will always love you. For it is you that taught me what love is and it is through that gift that I will live and love again.

more from CS Lewis

Can you not see death as the friend and deliverer? It means stripping off that body which is tormenting you. What are you afraid of? Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave it with regret?

from Camille March 4, 2009

I am thankful for the many talented doctors we had on our team.

Begin forwarded message:

Camille,

Thank you so much for taking the time to send condolences.

I thought that you would like to know that you were the catalyst behind Tracy and I deciding to get married when we did. Your style of bluntness caught us off guard when we first met and we believed that we were wasting time every day that we were not married. On the drive home from Rochester the first day of meeting you we bought rings and were married within a month! We always thanked you in our hearts for being the one who jump started our indecision. It obviously was the best decision I have ever made to marry Tracy. I miss him so much.

We fully appreciated all that you had done for him and always wished that you were closer and we could have some of your wisdom to help us make decisions this past year. I also will never be able to thank you enough for the 5 extra years that you gave me with him.

Thanks again,

Mica


On Mar 4, 2009, at 4:31 PM, Abboud, Camille wrote:

Mica:

I am sorry to hear from Anne McKenna about Tracy’s passing. I share your grief and wish I could have done more to mitigate things. He was always full of life and had a good sense of humor he will be remembered fondly in our hearts. Please accept my sincere condolences.

Camille

Professor of Medicine
Washington University in St Louis
Division of Oncology,Section BMT & Leukemia
660 South Euclid Avenue, Campus Box 8007
St Louis, MO 63110

Tel: 314-454-8323
Fax: 314-454-7551
Camille N Abboud, MD,FACP

it was a mistake and a cheap bandaid for the pain. the point is there is a huge difference between dating and keeping company with someone and clinging to them with every fiber of your being you have left because being alone is just scary right now.


There is no shortcut through grief.