After the Group

I cried all of the way home. I had to pull over twice on the way home because I could not see past my tears. I was sad and angry when I got home. Sad for myself, for my loss, but also sad for everyone else there who was choking back tears, or for those who were not even trying to choke back tears. Angry at life because of how many people are suffering tonight over death.

One person, the only man in the group, told a story of how his first wife was killed by a drunk driver. He waited many years to re-marry but did so at age 75. Two weeks before he got married they found out that his soon to be wife had breast cancer that had metastasized. She lived for 4 years and died two days after Tracy died. He is now 80. He actually had heard of Tracy as he is a semi-retired professor at Cornell. He said that what he hated most was being told that it would get better. He said he did not want it to get better. Yes. That is exactly how I feel. I do not want to be 'over' Tracy.

Tonight for the first time since Tracy died I was hungry. I ate dinner because I wanted to eat and not because I know that at least every few days I must do so. The group was a relief. A place to go to nod in agreement to what others had to say and to have others nod in agreement to what I had to say. A place where that everyone knew that sometimes what is best is just a simple touch on a shoulder and no words said because there are no words available to say. A sad, overwhelming, exhausting day, but a relief nevertheless.