Life is Hard

Ever since the day
the day you went away
I felt that emptyness
so quite so wide
I don’t know what’s wrong or right
I just know I need strenght tonight
strength to fight that world outside
Since we’ve been out of touch
I haven’t felt that much
From day to barren day
My heart stays locked away
I walk the boulevard
admitting life is hard
without you near me

The sun is sinkin low
I’ guess it’s time to go
I feel a chilly breeze
In place of memories
My dreams are locked and barred
admitting life is hard
without you near me

Do Not Leave me in the Dark

Be with me always. Take any form, drive me mad, only do not leave me in this dark alone where I cannot find you. I cannot live without my life! I cannot die without my soul.


Wuthering Heights.

Less of Me

I'm less than I was
when you knew me,
diminished now
by the loss of you.

Insides hollowed out,
scraped raw for a time
now scarred and numb,
emptiness filling the void
like a leaden stone.

Heart crushed painfully
somehow continues to beat,
spirit once buoyant
as a birthday balloon
now shriveled and useless.

There is no trust
that life will fill my glass
once more to overflowing,
Shakespeare's "Tomorrow
and tomorrow and tomorrow"
suddenly takes on
personal meaning.

he girl who once delighted
in flirtatious tete-a-tetes
is no longer the Innocent
blindly grasping
at delicious hope
against all odds.

The girl has become Woman
privy at last to a myriad
of Life's cruel jokes,
tripped unexpectedly,
shockingly by
Fate's outstretched foot
along the path
that I only imagined
I knew like the back of my hand.

Eileen Auger

Stress

It was honestly too much of a day. I should not have tried to do both bankers and lawyers in one day as it left my head spinning. Too many choices, decisions, and a great need to have this part behind me. It is overwhelming. I can not think logically through of all of the different options, revising my will, beneficiaries, guardianships, small cap, large cap, various fees, risk comfort level and the tax considerations for it all etc. At one point we were discussing the different living trust options irrevocable and revocable. My thought was lets do irrevocable so I can just go home and let someone else take this over. James also did not like the oppenheimer people so he wants to schedule a meeting with the ML WM (and I do not know what that means even) for in 2 weeks in NYC.

I can not handle even the smallest amount of stress anymore.

Happy Birthday Tracy.

A Prayer

Let me do my work each day; and if the darkened hours of despair overcome me, may I not forget the strength that comforted me in the desolation of other times.

May I still remember the bright hours that found me walking over the silent hills of my childhood, or dreaming on the margin of a quiet river, when a light glowed within me, and I promised my early God to have courage amid the tempests of the changing years.

Spare me from bitterness and from the sharp passions of unguarded moments. May I not forget that poverty and riches are of the spirit.
Though the world knows me not, may my thoughts and actions be such as shall keep me friendly with myself.

Lift up my eyes from the earth, and let me not forget the uses of the stars.  Forbid that I should judge others lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow the clamor of the world, but walk calmly in my path.

Give me a few friends who will love me for what I am; and keep ever burning before my vagrant steps the kindly light of hope.

And though age and infirmity overtake me, and I come not within sight of the castle of my dreams, teach me still to be thankful for life, and for time's olden memories that are good and sweet; and may the evening's twilight find me gentle still.

--Max Ehrmann (1872-1945)

The Hospital

I remember this moment clearly. Tracy was still on the trach vent and unable to speak. He would sleep a good bit of the day. During one of those days I remember staring out the window at my car and watching the snow. I had not left the hospital in several days at that point and the car was almost completely covered in snow. The snowplows had come many times and because of that there was a foot of snow surrounding the car. Except for the sound of the vent everything was extremely quiet. I started crying thinking of what all Tracy was going through. I wasn't not wailing crying at that time (although that happened plenty) but just silent tears watching the snow. Tracy woke up at some point during that time and started banging on something so I would turn around. He had written something on his paper that he wanted me to read. It said "Stop being so hard on yourself".

But I could not then and I can not now. I should have let him die in December. He suffered even more than he had to because of decisions I made. I am so sorry Tracy.

More on Mr. Zeigler

It was also interesting to hear him talk of how his whole philosophy on life has changed. He is shaking his fist at the God that he once thought he understood, going to yoga, meditation, doing acupuncture, studying reincarnation....anything and everything to make sense of what does not make sense. Trying to make sense of suffering without a cause. Trying to alleviate a pain that does not go away. Not wanting to accept that perhaps this life is all there is and that is not enough.

After the Group

I sometimes wonder if I had died first if Tracy would spend his days wearing my pink robe, clutching onto the clothing I died in, refusing to wash it and crying all over it. The man in the grief group answered me today that although he does not wear his wife's clothes that he does bury his face in her clothing crying hoping to catch a small scent of what she smelled like. Frequently on the way home the women in the group can be seen pulled over or unable to even leave the parking lot because of crying and not fit to drive. Today on the way home I saw the man in the group pulled over crying. I am sorry Mr. Zeigler that you are sad today.

The Worst Thing

My painter said he could not imagine anything worse than a spouse dying. Actually the worst thing is that they stay dead.

Contradictions

I want a diversion from this hell I find myself living in.
I want a reason to laugh, to say at the end of the day "this was a good day".

I want to find comfort and wallow in this hell I find myself living in.
I want to look at old pictures, notes, letters and cry all day.

everything

Everything is so hard.

The grocery store. Every aisle is a glaring reminder. Strawberries...he loved them. Cereal aisle...Frosted Mini Wheats - we still have the box from when he was among the living.

Reminding myself that I do not have to check the calorie content on everything and choose the higher calorie item. Ham on sandwiches. Folgers coffee. Not so crazy about off-brand anything (and he could tell). He liked certain pickles. He preferred butter over margarine. Sharp cheese. Fruit on the bottom yogurt. Frozen vegetables over canned. Klondike bars.

When will I be able to just go to the grocery store and get through it without crying or trying really hard to not cry. It is a huge effort to not just leave. I have to push myself to just keep breathing, keep walking, keep going, don't bolt. The boys want food in the house.

When are things not going to hurt so much?

Little Notes

It is the small things.

Yesterday when hunting for birth certificates to apply for passports, I ran across a forgotten stack of notes. These are notes written on the back of receipts, scraps from an envelope, torn off sections of paper. They do not look important.

One says "Hi Mica Lee Let's do something together tonight - even if it is a just a drive and dinner. I love you, Tracy".

Another says "I love you with everything I have" then a picture of a heart with an arrow through it and "see you tonight".

The last says "are you up for a ride in the z tonight with the top down?"

The answer is Yes Tracy I would give anything to go for a ride with the top down with you.

I would give anything to tell you about my day (it was spent crying all day and missing you desperately). I would give anything to hear about yours...yes I know that you are ashes in my closet and around my neck.

Please just come home. We can try again. We can do it better.

Courage

Courage does not always have to be a roar, sometimes it is a little voice that says 'I will try again tomorrow'.

I will try again tomorrow to get out of bed and care about anything.

The Fight

I feel like that I spent so much energy fighting for Tracy's life that now I have none left to try to fight through without him.

I am so tired.

Grief is...

Grief is an inventory of what has been lost.

my best friend
my encourager
the one who made me smile
the one who knew all of me and loved me anyway
the breadwinner
my confidant
my shoulder to cry on
arms that comfort
my heart and soul
my cheerleader
my strength

What Not to Say

Do not say this:

He is no longer suffering.

Suffer he did. Especially the past few months of his life every step was difficult. Every movement took all that he had to do. He went from this time last year to being able to fairly well do things, he could do most things on the boat, he did things in the yard and then 6 months later he was on oxygen a good deal of the time and taking a shower was a major event. Then the next 6 months a slow, miserable death. Every day more taken away from him.

It is just not fair that not only did he have to endure such misery and pain, but for that, for all of his suffering, he died anyway. If he had survived, it would have almost made sense - passage through fire and all that. But if he had to die, why did he have to suffer - what was the point if the outcome was his death? So yes he is no longer suffering, but why suffer in the first place?

The Boat

Today Trevor and I went to the capri and made some headway. It was just the two of us, so gave us time to talk. He has been having a hard time as well and today was hard. We both wished so much that Tracy was here not only because we miss him more than words can say, but because we were the crew and apparently not the most attentive crew. The last grief group the facilitator said that one thing that helped was to approach tasks or events with the thought that you would do the task or event in a way that would honor our loved one. We want to think that Tracy would be proud of us. I think he would have been today. We figured stuff out. The boat is really clean and I know he would like that. Trevor and I had a chance to talk. Not just about Tracy but life itself.

This was a hard day, a bittersweet day but a good day with Trevor and I missing his dad together and working on the boat in such a way that Tracy would have been happy.

I can not express how much I miss Tracy.