Easter

So it is Easter. A time to rejoice.

I am glad that Tracy was not religious. Today would have been difficult. Today was not harder than any other day is. All days are hard.

Today though is a time that I find myself reflecting on what I believe as far as heaven, hell, God and Jesus. I want to believe that Tracy is safe in heaven. That he is okay, that one day I will be with him again. But when I think about it, really think about it, well it makes for a good story, but is it a believable story? When Tracy was in ICU and we had to decide about the vent and then it was a difficult placement of the vent and even the doctors were surprised that he made it, my prayer at that time, was not that God's will be done, but MY will. I wanted him alive. I did want him well. And he was alive for awhile, he did not get well.

I wish I understood God, heaven and hell.

I wish I had the faith that God will somehow make it all better, when so far my prayers have gone largely unheard. If they are being heard, they are not being answered.