I remember this moment clearly. Tracy was still on the trach vent and unable to speak. He would sleep a good bit of the day. During one of those days I remember staring out the window at my car and watching the snow. I had not left the hospital in several days at that point and the car was almost completely covered in snow. The snowplows had come many times and because of that there was a foot of snow surrounding the car. Except for the sound of the vent everything was extremely quiet. I started crying thinking of what all Tracy was going through. I wasn't not wailing crying at that time (although that happened plenty) but just silent tears watching the snow. Tracy woke up at some point during that time and started banging on something so I would turn around. He had written something on his paper that he wanted me to read. It said "Stop being so hard on yourself".
But I could not then and I can not now. I should have let him die in December. He suffered even more than he had to because of decisions I made. I am so sorry Tracy.
