A little background...I was divorced with four boys when I married my "happy ending" husband. My ex was an abusive alcoholic, my husband thought I was beautiful, strong and wonderful. He said it enough that I almost believed it myself. He was a supportive caring stepdad to my boys and never hesitated to help them with whatever they might need. One of my sons is 17. He had the most trouble with my ex husband and the strongest bond with Tracy. The day of the funeral my son had what is now called grief-induced psychosis. We spent the evening after the funeral at the ER with my son who was over the top with energy, feelings, and oddly enough rap lyrics.
Anyway, my son was in the psych ward at the hospital for 7 days falling apart and then getting back together. He was at home for a few days after before he returned to school. So all in all he missed 2 weeks of school. Tonight he said that the stent in the hospital ruined his life, that he would never get caught up with school and he had no one to help him. Honors chem and trig would have been Tracy's department.
The fact that he said he had no one to help him hit home in a BIG way. I am of no use to him or anyone else at this point. I do not have the strength or energy to pick myself up once again to rebuild a life. I have thought a few times when driving somewhere of pulling in front of a semi. The only thing that stops me is how the driver of the semi might feel. I spent the last few hours holding my husband's ashes with my iPod full blast listening to 'our songs' crying hysterically. My sons have no life and they certainly do not have a mother who is any good for them. Every day is harder than the day before.
Every day I wake up look at the clock and calculate how many minutes I will have to be awake. Then sleep will not come. So I calculate how long before the day begins. And I start over. My entire body literally hurts. My skin hurts where the clothes hit. It hurts to walk, to sit, to lay. Doing even the smallest of tasks takes every bit of energy I have.
I just do not know how to do this.
